My Birthday Wish!  / Beffie (other big sister )
Well my little bug today is my birthday...and as I sit here waiting on your mommy, daddy, and big sisters to get here I find myself thinkng about birthday wishes. For the last three years its been the same wish, that Michael & I will be happy together and also that overall I will be happy with my life. This year however I find myself wanting those things [and I probably always will] but I am wishing and hoping for you little angel bug. And because I know that I can't have you back in the way that I wish, I find myself wishing to know your presence always and to always be there for your mommy, daddy, and big sisters in anyway that I can. I wish to find what I am supposed to do in my life that will uphold your legacy in the best possible way and so that no one who knew you will ever forget you or your bright blue eyes and infectious giggle..and for those who never had the chance to meet you will still be forever changed by your story and your life. That both of your sisters [and also Ling Ling] with carry you with them always and never feel as though your memory is fading. That Maddie will know what a incredible big sister she is and how important her job is and that we all believe in her. That those horrible images and guilt will be erased from Lyvie's mind and heart and that she will only remember the close bond that only the two of you will ever know or understand.  In short Katy Bug my birthday wish is different for the first time this year and it will never change again....my wish is you little angel....everywhere..forever..and always. I love you. Close

Dreams / Troy (Daddy)
Well, it's not exactly what I was hoping for, but I'll take whatever I can get!!  I dreamt that I was at Maddie and Mommy's school and I was in line in the cafeteria.  There was a young girl ahead of me and she turned and said, "Mr. Church.  Katy is doing fine and she sent this letter for you."  I looked and on her lunch tray was a spiral-bound notebook with a neatly hand-written letter.  Though I cannot remember the exact wording, it did say that you were doing great and that everything [here on earth] would work out.  I love you Katy-Poo!  I still, and will always, look forward to the day that I can see you again.

Love,
Daddy Close

I've never been more homesick than now...  / Beffie (biggest "other" sister )

Hi angel of mine. Wow tonight is just one of those nights. I sat down to watch Grey's Anatomy on my laptop since I missed it last night. Oh how I wish I didn't. The main character fell in the water....they spent the whole episode trying to revive her. She was so blue. All I could do was cry and see you....but at the same time I couldn't stop watching it. I guess I almost hoped if she woke up you would too. As it ended we still dont know whether she'll live on the show. I don't want her too and I hate that they had to use that as a story line. How is it that she can survive and you can't. It is just a tv show. You were real..you are real. I miss you so much. I hate that Maddie has to go through life without her baby sister and tries to be so strong and make everyone smile all the time. And mostly I hate how heart broken Lyvie is. I am so worried about her, especially lately. I cried the whole way home after dropping her off last friday night, she wanted to listen to the cloud song the whole way home because she missed you. I love that little girl so much..and my whole heart hurts when I hear her talk about you and when I think about what she saw that day and I am so afraid that it will stay with her forever. She deserved to be your big sister...and little one you deserved to have her as a big sister. You deserved to show the rest of world how incredible you are...with your bright blue eyes and your fraggle spout and that smile that could outshine the sun. I would give anything for you to be back here with us. The whole world changed without you in some way or another. Your mom is that absolute most amazing person in the world. I don't know what I would do without her. She loves you and your sisters so much. I want to do something...I don't know what. I think its LoveBugs, but whatever it is I want to do something that makes me feel like I am emulating you in the best way possible. I want the world to know how amazing you are at such a young age and how many lives you touched in just 15 months on this earth and how many more you've touched even from heaven. I know that I won't ever stop loving you or missing you...but I hope that when I figure out whatever it is that I should be doing I will be as ok as I can be without you. I hurt every minute of everyday for you little bug. I heard a song the other day and I thought of you [it seems a lot of us have done that lately]...

"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now 

...I have rejoiced for you Katy..as hard as it was...you are truly in the best and most perfect place and no one deserves to be in heaven than you...but as I sit here and write this to you I can't stop the tears and I have never been more homesick in my life. I love you Katy Bug, with my whole heart and your place could never be filled by any other. I promise I will do my best to care of Mommy, Daddy, & Maddie....and of course my Lyvie Lyv. Whenever I hug them I hug them for you too. Your memory and your laugh will never fade..I won't let it and I know mommy & daddy won't either. Your sisters will be filled with memories, stories, pictures, and laughter to remember you by and to carry with them forever. Thank you for all the ladybugs and the butterflies that you send..but mostly thank you for your amazing family and for sharing them with me. 


I love you forever my little sister in heaven...

"Beffie"

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I am starting to breathe again  / Daddy
Hey, baby doll!  Happy Valentine's Day!  This day have come to mean a lot to us.  Something that had never really sunk in until now.  Mom really pointed something out to me.  Saint Valentines day has become such a commercialized enterprise that the real meaning has been lost (like so many things).  If we love God with all our heart and soul, we must then love ourselves for that.  With that, we must love other as we love ourselves!  Yeah, I know.  Where have I heard that before!  But, now I think I really understand it.  LOL. 

I have come to truly realize that ALL things are good and ALL things come from God.  Jesus is ALWAYS there.  We are starting to be more in tune with God.  Mom and I are becoming better able to understand when He is speaking to us.  I "see" Him in many things that I just looked over in the past.  You have helped me through it all.  When I'm working, I go by the cemetary all the time and it helps me to get things in perspective and "spend a little time with you."  I know you're not there, but it's as close as I can get. 

I want to hold you, again, so bad that I could just explode.  I find that when  I hug your mom, your sisters or anybody else, that I am looking for that feeling of when I could hug you.  Of course each one of them has their own spot in my heart that fulfills me, but only you can fill that one chamber that has your name on it.

Everyone had been giving me a hard time for not wearing my vest at work.  I had gotten out of the habit when I was working in "the office" for all those years, but it was real hard to go back to it.  Oddly enough, it was even harder after you died.  Two weeks ago, I started wearing it, again.  I wear it everyday, now.  As awful as it may sound and as selfish and bold as it may be, I think in the back of my head somewhere, I was almost daring God to try me.  I realize that my time will come when God has decided it.  I will see you then and only then. 

My job, now, is to be a testament to life here on earth and to be the man that, God, you, mom and the girls know I can be.  Even though reluctantly, I go forward trying to fulfill this reputation of being strong and faithful and full of God's blessing, it's something that I don't take lightly, nor is something I really want as far as having to loose you in order to play that role.

Sweetie, help me be there for Mom and the girls!  Help me to stay focused and on track with all the things God has planned for us, with you.  Help me to be able to "see" the road signs and make the right decisions.  I pray to God that His will be done, but I hope I can get back to School Resource so that our schedules in the house can get back to normal.  I want to get back into church, again, and help out more on a permanent basis.  I keep feeling I'm being led back there, again and again.  I know I need to make the decision and then just let God work it out, but that control thing, ya know.

I heard a song the other day that really made me think of you.  It made me think of how, as a baby, Jesus was just like you.  And like Jesus, with your death, you have done so much for others.  Jesus opened the door and you are bringing them to the threshold.  I think of what you accomplished at 15 months, then, I compare it to what we should be able to accomplish as adults.  When you came to us and blessed us with your time here, did you know you were going to suffer as you did?  Did you know the impact you had on those around you?  Do we all have that same impact, but are too "involved" in daily life to see it?  Who else around us is a true messenger of God and we look over them everyday?

"Wish"
by Brian Littrell

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
To see Your first step, hear Your very first word
Tell me, did You ever fall and scrape Your knee?
Did You know Your wounds would one day heal the world?
For just one moment
I wish I could have seen You growing
Learning the ways of a carpenter's son
Just a little boy gazing at the stars
Did You remember creating every one?
If you passed by, would I have seen a child or a King?

Would I have known?
I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

For just a moment
I wish I could have been there
When You left Your footprints upon the waves
To walk along beside You and never look away
Just Your whisper and the wind and sea obey
To see You feed the people
To feel Your healing in Your touch

I wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, face to face
Wish I could have been there
Just to see You, Jesus, face to face

To hear you pray in the garden alone
Laying down Your will with each tear
To see You walk that lonely road
Willing to die for me
And in that moment
I know I should have been there
You took my cross and gave Your life
And you live again, oh
And You live again!

Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You rise again
Wish I could have been there
My only wish is to see You, Jesus, face to face

Someday I'll be there, I'm gonna be there
I'll see Your face, Your mercy, Your grace
Someday, someday
I'm going to see You, Jesus
Face to face

Be there with us, baby.  I worry about your sisters all the time and hope we are not missing something, or overlooking some issue or need they have when it comes to your death.  Help me to recognize anything that needs to be dealt with.  Maddie's such a good girl and she tries so hard to be strong and independent I'm afraid she's covering it up.  Lyvie is very much the same, but she is so enthusiastic and full of life, I don't want her to loose that.

You would be so proud of all of us.  We are finally getting around to getting the house back in order.  Without you here, no one really cared, but it got to a point we recognized we had to take a stand.  mom has been going crazy getting cabinets cleaned out and things put away.  I am so proud of her, I could just burst.  I really feel like we are really starting to breathe again for the first time since you died, but maybe for the first time, period.

Keep fluttering by and know that we really miss you and any of us would do ANYTHING to get you back, but we are all working to see you again.

I love you, baby!!
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Happy Valentine's Day my little angel bug!!!!  / Miss Bethany ([biggest "other" sister] )
Happy Valentine's Day little LoveBug!!!! I know you had the best Vaelntine's party in heaven with Jesus, your grandpas [and mine], you aunt Denise, Kamdyn, & all the other little angels! Send your hugs & kisses to us! Thank you for the butterflies today..I needed them! Fly extra close to Lyvie..she needs her baby sister!!! Oh how I'd give anything to hear you say my name one more time...I LOVE YOU!!!!

Love-"Beffie"
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Happy Valentine's Day my little lovebug....  / Mommy
"On days of gray
When doubt clouds my view
It's so hard to see past my fears
My strength seems to fade
And it's all I can do
To hold on, 'til the light reappears
Still, I believe though some rain's bound to fall
That you're here next to me
And you're over it all

Lord, the sky's still blue
For my hope is in you
You're my joy
You're the dream that's still alive
Like the wind at my back
And the sun on my face
You are life
You're grace
You are blue skies
You're my blue skies" 
      lyrics from Point of Grace's Blue Skies

Hi my little LoveBug.  I wanted to wish you a happy first Valentine's Day in heaven.  This day is quite bittersweet for me because a large part of my heart left this earth with you.  It will never be the same and like any deep cut...it'll leave a scar.  But through Him, that the gaping wound will heal over.  I heard a song on the way to work this morning from Point of Grace and it was so true. My God has never let me down. He's never turned away; and, He's with me every single day. 

Valentine's holds a special meaning for me this year.  It's not just about the love I have for my family; but, the love that He has for me and I have for Him.  Please give your grampa a big hug for me.  And tell your Daddy's dad "thank you" for raising a wonderful son.  Tell Papa that I haven't forgotten his angel cakes.  Give your Grandmother and Grandfather Hancock an extra big hug for raising a great son to be my dad.  And... tell Aunt Denise that we're trying our best to spoil your uncle!   Most of all... if you get the chance to... thank Jesus for me...for the many blessings that I've received.  (You are right there at the top!!!)

I love you, Bug.  I'll see you in my blue skies. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Love always-
     Mommy Close

Thinking of you today  / Sue~Z Wilkes (Friend)
I still find it hard to believe you're gone. I wish you didn't have to leave. There's alot of broken hearts that are waiting to see you again so that they can be mended, mine is one.
My heart breaks everytime i think of you. I guess
that will never change. Sometimes things that happen in life are just too hard to understand and you having to leave so soon is one that i wish i could make sense of.
If i was granted one wish to come true, it would be to have you placed back in your mommy and daddy's arms right now. I know it can't be right now but one day....
Time seems to fly when there is nothing to look forward to so why does it seem to stand still when you do? I don't know when i will be seeing you again but one day i know i will. *THINKING OF HUGGING YOU AND KISSING YOUR FOREHEAD* I hope you could feel it.

Love Always,
Sue~z


p.s. as SOON as Kailey grows enough hair. She will wear a fragglespout in memory of you.   ~:-) Close

Just thinking about you and your family  / Kathy Hale (^j^ Kamdyn Caton's Meme )
Sending hugs and kisses! Close

To Katy's Family  / Elishia (Friend)

Everyday families walk in and out of my door. I used to take that for granted because I guess I just expected them to come back the next day and the day after that. I remember that last time Katy left for the day. She was in Troy's arms and smiled and waved to me. I never in a million years thought that in a few hours all of our realities would change. My favorite time of the day and worst time of the day is between 3 pm & 6 pm. It's when I try to take the time to hug someone, make sure they have thier favorite blanket or stuffed animal or ask mom or dad how thier day was. The truth of the matter is that I know it may be the last time I have that chance so every minute counts. My daughter is told me that Katy is in Heaven playing on her twisty sliding board and picking flowers with Jesus, the ironic thing about that is that it's nice to know she's right, believers will see Katy again. I am so thankful to Troy, Robyn, Maddie and Olyvia for giving me the opportunity, however brief, to love Katy with them and so many other people. Most of all to appriciate the all of the moments that I have been able to share and actually appriciate since loosing Katy. Forever your family will be very close to my heart. 

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Something special for a special little bug!  / Kathy Hale (Grandma to ^j^ Kamdyn Caton )

                                                                            




                                                          


                             


                                              




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Butterfly Kisses & Ladybug Hugs  / Miss Bethany

Bug,

Hello my little angel Bug. Has it really been 4 months since that awful day? It seems hard to believe that the world can go on without you and in ways I don't think it can. I miss you more everday little bug, but you are seen and felt more as well. I want to cry and smile everytime I look at your big sisters. I hate that Lyvie didn't get a chance to grow up with you, the two of you would have been attatched at the hip. I pray everyday that God will erase those horrible moments from her memory and that she will be left filled with all the happy memories the two of you shared and the sound of your little giggle. I still expect to see you, in my back seat on the way to school or in the one year old room when I stop in to say hi to Noodle, Brodie, and Brooke. I know you have your hand in everything that happens and send all the butterflies and ladybugs to us for a sense of comfort. Thank you for that Katy, you are needed and loved every second of everyday and will always be. We as a preschool talk and think and pray about you daily, not one of us goes through the day without speaking your name. You are in every room and in the heart of every person who walks through the doors, even the new ones. Watch over us all. Please stay with your daddy, he is put in dangerous situations daily and your mommy is so worried about losing him too. He misses you so much bug, but stays strong for his family and the people that he serves. Maddie is growing up and is the biggest sister and feels as if she has a responsibilty both for Lyvie and also for you little angel. She is headed for hard and awkward times that come with her age and stage in life. Stay with her and help her grow up knowing how much you love her and how proud you are of her for being the best big sister she can be. And my Lyvie Lyv, oh Bug she misses you so much. She talks about you all the time and I'm afraid of the things she sees when she closes her eyes or is looking off into nowhere. Hold her hand just like you used to, let her know you still need her just as much she needs you. Your mommy misses you more than I think she even knows. She is truly the most amazing person I have ever met. You shine through her in the most incredible way and I fully believe that you are so perfect because of her and your daddy. Hold your mommy Katy, like she held you and let her hold you again too. Bless little Ling Ling whoever she may be, we know that you will be there every step of the way. Help us to know what to do with your memory and your legacy whether its LoveBugs and the scholarship, or something we haven't thought of yet. Line our futures with miracales, victories, and celebrations and prepare us for the failures, defeats, and tragedies that we will face. Please be with us for all of these things, we need you there whether we're laughing or crying. Today may mark 4 months of sadness without you here but it also means we're 4 months closer to being with you again. You cease to amaze me Katy and have to truly proved that you are a little girl, who is larger than life.

I love you a million ladybugs [and more]!

Miss Bethany [your "other" big sister]

Philippians 1:3

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Letter to my angel... #1  / Robyn (Bug's Mom )
This was written following the first dream I had of Katy that I finally feel like I should share... this was a God-wink two days before the very sudden death of my aunt Denise...whom Katy adored.

Dear Katy,
    It's 4:45 in the morning and I just awoke from the most powerful dream I've ever had.  I have to write it down so I never forget it.
    Daddy and I were on a camping trip when someone yelled that we had to come see something.  When we walked to the edge of the lake, I saw something spectacular~ I saw angels at the water's surface.  There were so many just flying around.
    My attention was drawn toward a screen where I saw a beautiful blue-eyed girl laughing and playing.  She was wearing a pink dress with brown teddy bears.  When she sat up, I saw her hair neatly sprouted on top of her head.  I knew instantly that it was you, Katy.
    You seemed to be asking someone if you could talk to your parents.  I was in such awe, that I'm not really sure of the exact words but I got that you wanted us to know that it is okay and you are okay.  You spoke so clearly and it seemed like you were about 6 or 7 years old.  I sobbed on your Daddy's shoulder for awhile.
    Katy, I needed that dream so much.  I have so many questions about what your life in heaven is like. Are you with your Grandpas, Papa, and Grandmother?  Are you playing?  Are there animals to play with and Doc to ride?  Can you see and hear us? 
    Katy Bug~ I miss you so much.  I would give anything to have you back.  Our lives seem to be on auto pilot right now.  I feel like I'm existing without living.  I want to do something that will make you proud of me.  Help me to know what that is.  Help me know where it is.  I'm so lost as to what to do next.  Please help Lyvie and Maddie know that they shouldn't shoulder the burden of what happened.  They feel so responsible.
    Lyvie sleeps with your mattress and with your blanket.  She said she misses you so much. She even told us of a dream where you were chasing her with a crab and laughing.  She needs those happy dreams to chase away the scary ones.
    I love you Buggie-Boo.  Thank you for all of my moments~ the butterflies that seem to tug on my shirt as if to say "look at me! look at me!", the ladybugs, our song on the radio and the dreams.  I am not going to forget my little angel.  I always knew you were going to do great things.  Love you KatyBug!  Tell your grandpas, papa, and grandmother I love them and to please hug you for me.
       XXXOOO Mommy XXXOOO


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They'll Never Know How Much  / Troy (Daddy)
Dear Katy,

It's been over three months now, but it feels like yesterday, and ten years at the same time.  I still don't know how to act or how to feel.  Moments of gladness are overwhelmed by sadness and sometimes I don't even know why.  I do well to hide, but feel like it just makes it worse.  There are so many things to do and so much that you have provided, that I don't know where to start first.  Breathing is almost as hard as getting up to go to work and both are as hard as running a marathon. 

Knowing you're not here haunts me everyday.  I want to be home and I want to run away.  I want to eat, but I want to starve.  I desperately want to laugh, but all I can do is cry.  I know we will be okay, but ya know what sometimes I just don't wanna be.  Will I ever "feel" normal again? 

I recently shared with someone that we decorated the house for Christmas on the outside, but didn't really feel like doing it on the inside.  It struck me how similar I felt in my heart.  I decorate everyday on the outside, but inside it's just bare.

I love my family so much, Robyn and the girls, and I don't feel like I am giving them what they need.  I feel completely unable to perform any task or complete any assignment.  The simplest things I forget.  Even the tiniest setbacks are monumental.

I sit here on New Year's Eve not knowing if I should be happy the year is over or terrified a new one is beginning.  I found myself so depressed on Christmas Eve that I could hardly function.  The idea that Christmas Eve was essentially a countdown to the "First Christmas without you."  I literally counted EVERY minute that passed up to midnight.  Surprisingly, Christmas Day was not as bad.

I want you to know that I love your mother and sisters with all my heart and I know that I'll see you again someday.  My only focus right now is that we just keep moving day-to-day until we can get through a whole week.  We'll just go from there.

I love you, Katy.  Oh how I just long to hear you say "Daddy" just one more time..... Close

Merry Christmas  / Katie (teacher)
Merry Christmas Katy! I miss you so much. Close

Hi again Bug...  / Miss Bethany (Teacher & Friend )
Bug....

Well 2 more angels join you now..your aunt Denise and my friend steve lost his mommy in a car accident last night...watch over him bug..& show the new angels how to fly like you & to watch over the ones they love....
    Lyvie saw you in the clouds the other night...she told me you were smiling & waving to her...I'm so glad she can see you...help Maddie see you too..I know she needs it...mommy & i dream about you every night...sometimes I think youre the only reason a lot of us make through each day...i miss you so much Katy...I love you always..... Close

God bless you  / Sue~Z Wilkes (Friend)
Everyone misses you so much...You'll never be forgotten, there are just too many things that can so easily spark a memory of you.
I have to drive by the cemetary everyday on my way home from work and i can't help but to say a prayer for your mommy and daddy. i pray for them to find comfort and peace, for them to know you are safe and that this life is only the beginning, just a flicker away from you and then you will be back in their arms. 
I wish i could know the things you know now. but i guess i'll have to wait and see for myself when i get there too. Thank You for helping me find my way back to the right path. God Bless you little one!!! See You AGAIN one day.

Love Sue~Z Close

To my angel Bug  / Miss Bethany (Teacher & Friend )
Bug...

I miss you so much...I love being with Lyvie..I see so much of you in her...she talks about you and names her animals (you know Lyv & her animals) after you....and Maddie is so strong...and I know she misses you so much...your mommy & daddy are still the most amazing people anyone could ever meet....you are so wonderful because of them...I think about you everyday....it seems like there's always something..a butterfly..ladybug..picture..song...Emma pointing out my ladybug charm..or Lyvie's smile....that makes me close my eyes for a minute and I can almost feel you....sometimes..I forget & go into your classroom and expect you to run to me...that is when I hurt the most...the moments I realize that this isn't a nightmare..that its real...but let me tell you bug..you are far from gone...that I can tell...thank you for that..& for flying with us all...you continue to amaze me everyday....I love you forever and ever Katy Bug... Close

Katy / Katie Wright (teacher)
I never knew u could love some one so much that wasnt ur own family. everytime i see katy's picture i want to cry cuz i remember she's not here anymore and then i think of what everyone has said bout her flying with the angels. and i know as much as we all miss her she is where she is suppose to be. Katy you will always hold a special place in my heart....i remember tryin to leave the classroom and u would start crying and it would break my heart so i would go back in or stand at the door hopeing you would find a toy to play with....tryin to read a book and everyone else is sitting down but no katybug as to come sit in my lap....i miss u and i love you katybug! Close